WHAT! I just saw a little bit of “When Harry Met Sally” on TV today. (Yes, 1989 films are about as modern as Taiwan television gets here.) Regardless, THE SCENE WAS ALMOST 100% CUT! It went from “Are you ok”, Harry crosses arms, then “I’ll have what she’s having.”

SHOCK! No uncomfortable glances over the shoulder, no hair tossing, no hand slaps, no YES YES YES… it was all NO NO NO lil Taiwanese, you shall not be watching any of this “S-E-X”-like TV in THIS country!

Now, I understand the violence thing. I understand cutting out all the R-rated words so that even Terminator 2 is PG and playable here. I even understand shrinking “Sex and the City” down to 20 minutes and making the foreigners think it is a commercial. But trimming a FAKE sex scene from one of the most famous scenes in movies? Preposterous that this would be cut. How are the Taiwanese even supposed to relate to their global peers when someone mentions the scene? I know Russia and the entire EU are not cutting it. The only saving grace is that the deluge of bad TV in Taiwan will soon come to an end ;)

I am having a tough time getting the picture to look right, but you guys get the idea.

This is a simple worksheet of what to call the people in your family in Asia. In the U.S. everybody is just Aunt “So and So” and Uncle “John.” Grandma and Grandpa might be differentiated by first names, but both sets are still Grandma and Grandpa. Not so in Taiwan. Here there is a specific name for each member in the family depending on which side (mother or father) they come from.

If you put my daughter G in the middle she would be the “zi ji” (or yourself). Brothers and sisters are named according to being male or female and if they are older are younger than you. Hence an older brother is “Ge Ge” and a younger sister is “Mei Mei” (note: all young girls you encounter are typically called Mei Mei being a sweet name for “lil sister”). “Biao’s” are cousins and you need to specify. G’s cousin is a younger (than her) boy so he would be “Biao Di”.

Going up the chain you get “BaBa’s” side and “MaMa’s” side. Since “MaMa” technically “entered” the family, she is the foreign one and hence Grandma and Grandpa are called “Wai Bo” (sometimes Po?) and “Wai Gong” where “Wai” means foreign. Even our Aunt MB gets a raw deal being called “Jiu Ma” or the wife of the outsider’s brother.

The father’s side is a lil nicer with “Gu Gu” and “Ye Ye”. Maybe this is where the Beatles song came from? “She loves you Ye Ye???” Just don’t mispronounce “Nai Nai” for “Nei Nei” or you will end up calling Grandma “old Boobies” (I know it still works, but still).

Now imagine a family reunion where each person is called a different name depending on their relationship with the person doing the calling. For this reason when games are played, players usually have to choose yet another name that they will be called for the duration of the game. It just would not work if everyone was shouting out a different name for the same person. With all this confusion over who you call what I am starting to see why there was a one child policy.

One of the strangest things I am doing now is taking Japanese classes. Not because that in itself is strange, but because my teacher does not speak much English. This means I mostly use Chinese to communicate and ask questions (no-no #1 in learning an Asian language). It actually works out pretty well.

I routinely find strange phrases that make me wish I could just run off and get a Ph.D. in linguistics. (By the way, after reading this you will see why I am crap at languages. My wife can hear a phrase and repeat it like the world’s best Mynah. Me, I need to build all kinds of crazy mnemonics too have a clue. That said, once I know it, I know it.) I am starting to have a lot of crossovers and routinely find myself searching for English words on conference calls with the States due to the rewiring in my brain.

Here are some interesting observations and examples:
Tate Mono (pronounced: Taa Teah Mo No) means house or building. I find this one of the easiest words for me to remember because I love the Tate MOderN in London (pronounced T-eight). It is easy to remember Tate Mono as a building. A NICE building :)
Biiru, Kohii, Noto, Tepurekoda (Beer, Coffee, Notebook, Tape recorder) all sound very close to the English word, but drink to much Biiru…
Otearai (pronounced: Oh Teah Ah Ra EE) meaning toilet and you may have a hard time finding this if you can’t say it! The Brits got this one right with “Loo.” Side Note in China “Lu” means street, which often doubles as the toilet.
~ no ~ no ~ no when describing possessiveness (as in My wife or My book) you use “no.” The problem is there is no limit so you can get sentences that to an outsider sound like “No, No, No!” Interestingly enough the word for “No” in Japanese is “Iie” or what Mr. Miyagi says a lot (seriously go back and watch).
Leggo Eggo I swear this had a meaning, but I forgot to write it down I was laughing so hard.
Shite this actually means “give” as in “Mama cyu shite” (Mama give me a kiss) or “Mama ryori shitte” (Mama give me your cooking). Not to be confused with “Mama your cooking is shite”.

Now all that said, Chinese also has its funny phrases. We were at the flower market last weekend and B wanted to know if the flowers were suitable (he shi) for direct sun, so I told the lady:

“Zai Tai Tai de yang tai, tai yang tai da” or “On wifey’s porch the sun is quite strong”

The lady answered “no problem” in the blink of an eye. It didn’t phase me until we walked away how strange that (mostly) correct sentence was AND that someone else could even understand it! Gotta love Chinese.

There is something not quite right to me about having your food approve or appear happy about you eating it. I have mentioned this before with Mr. Cow. Now on the street in Taipei, outside KFC, I find Mr. Shrimp lounging in a deep fat fried shrimp ring??? What??? That could be his friend, or his sister, or even his Mom that he is so casually lounging on (ew, gross). Doesn’t he have any remorse or did he sell his friends out to KFC for a lil R&R? How does he know he is not next? Do you really want to eat the shrimp now after seeing how cute he is?

BTW: What is he reading? KFC manual on how to cook shrimp? Learn from Chik-fil-a and let the cows sell the chicken.

I’m off to have a word with Mr. Red Lobster…

Three years in Asia and I have reached a breakthrough! I have finally discovered why people can not leave an airplane in an orderly manner.

The Problem:
The plane has just landed. The seat belt sign goes *ding* and everyone that paid extra for their aisle seat (sic) **POPS** up out of their seat and instantly forms a line equal to rush hour on GA 285 at 5:05pm. Now, the calm, cool “foreigner” (read: sane person) confined to the window seat calmly finishes reading his newspaper and waits the 10 more minutes it will take for the attendants to get the doors open and let the 1st class peeps out.

When the flow begins, Mr. Window rightfully expects to join the queue. HOWEVER, this is not the US. THIS is ASIA and it here it is first come, first served; dog eat dog; I will step on your first born for a cheese sample at Costco and “you ain’t gettin’ in this line”. When this situation arises I usually end up using my massive muscles (sic #2) and power of “the evil stare” to force my way in the line. And you know what? That is the way it goes. Push. Shove. Gnaw. Scratch. and voila you have joined the line.

This boils my blood each time it happens. By Asian logic the poor man in seat 1A (window) should be the last person off the plane because all the aisles go first and as soon as space frees up the windows from back to front can exit. CRAZY!

The Reason:
Now the question to ask is WHY don’t other countries have this problem? The reason: CHURCH! Imagine a wedding (or Sunday Service). The service ends, the pastor leaves, then the bride and groom, then ALL of row 1, then row 2, etc… Should someone remain in row 1, the row 2 people will politely confirm that they have permission to proceed before cutting in. This same behavior often translates to the plane, where it is generally accepted that FULL ROWS in front of you are allowed off first then your row. In Asia, it is accepted that even though you are sitting in row 161k you paid the same amount as everyone else and therefore you ABSOLUTELY MUST get off the plane before Mr. Window in 1A. Rubbish.

Solution:
The solution is simple. The whole world needs to go to church at least one time to have a crash course in how to make an orderly exit. This way I will not have to introduce Mr. “161k” to Mr. “elbow to the face”

photo.jpg
Originally uploaded by beuk

I was going to title this, “How to dress like a Westerner,” but then I realized I am not up to date on the fashion trends of the Europeans (give me ’til tomorrow :)

When out on the town we constantly get people noticing BabyG. Now, I know she is very cute, and she hears it all the time, but in my observations I think the real reason we draw so much attention is that she is dressed nicely. So, in an attempt to help my Taiwanese brethren I have assembled a How To guide on dressing your children appropriately:

1. Shoes – I am not going to say you need 20 pairs of baby shoes. Just two. Like a man needs one good brown and one black pair, a baby should have one white and one black pair. This way they will go with everything and you will not have to make decisions on whether pink goes with red (read on).
2. Wear Shoes! – we are working our way up and still on shoes. Here is my tip: Wear them! You cannot dress your baby in a snow suit, sweater, turtleneck, t-shirt, onsie, and blankets; THEN claim it is cold outside when it is 80F; and not wear shoes! If I have to see baby Michelin man running around he better have shoes, otherwise your misconstrued idea about below 92F days require 93 layers of clothes doesn’t hold up.
3. Split Pants – I thought we left these behind (pun intended) in China. If you have not just gotten off the new 70 minute flight from Shanghai, DO NOT DRESS YOUR KID IN SPLIT PANTS! There is not even any place for the dogs to poo, so I don’t know where you think you can suspend you lil kiddo and cop-a-squat. Sew up the butt!
4. PJs – Pajamas are for the home. They are meant to sleep in. While the ones with footies are a step up from no shoes, it doesn’t count. The excuse “But they are nice pajamas” also doesn’t count that is for the old folks in their silk drawers. Your child should have indoor and outdoor clothes and don’t mix them.
5. Colors – red and pink do NOT go together. I know you think red split pants with a pink t-shirt is attractive, but it is not. No one will tell you your baby is cute, they will just think he looks like a stale peppermint stick. If you are in doubt, pick one color and white. It almost always works and no one will get eye strain injuries from carrying your baby.

That is it! Hopefully with these tips you too can dress your kiddo like the foreigners and receive the “So Cute” praise on the street.

Dear People of Taiwan,
Please learn a lesson that everyone else on the planet (well, in the cold places anyway) seemed to have learned in the 5th grade. ~Being outside in the cold does not give you a cold!~

The picture above was taken in Taipei and is from this article. Based on what I see on the street this lady was UNDER dressed. The interesting fact about this picture is it was taken yesterday! Meaning two days ~before~ the supposed “cold snap” when it was like 20 degrees outside (68F). For the record I went to workout in my shorts and t-shirt. My question is: if that is what they wear when it is hot what will they wear this weekend? I will admit that 10C planned for this weekend is a bit on the cold side, but coming from Chi-town where any double digit (F) day is a “good day,” Taipei is nothing. The mask also gets me. I can understand the scarf (I mean if we were in NY or something), but the mask? for the cold? How does that work?

As far as I am concerned, I have told the guard downstairs who berates me each time I go out without a jacket, “Call me when it is 0″.

The biggest disappointment is how so many people still believe (and tell me 1000 times) that you will get sick if it is too cold outside (and so will my wife, my baby, the dog, and I even think someone mentioned the toy bunny). So, to rehash what the rest of the free world knows, please do 1 Google search and read this.