WHAT! I just saw a little bit of “When Harry Met Sally” on TV today. (Yes, 1989 films are about as modern as Taiwan television gets here.) Regardless, THE SCENE WAS ALMOST 100% CUT! It went from “Are you ok”, Harry crosses arms, then “I’ll have what she’s having.”

SHOCK! No uncomfortable glances over the shoulder, no hair tossing, no hand slaps, no YES YES YES… it was all NO NO NO lil Taiwanese, you shall not be watching any of this “S-E-X”-like TV in THIS country!

Now, I understand the violence thing. I understand cutting out all the R-rated words so that even Terminator 2 is PG and playable here. I even understand shrinking “Sex and the City” down to 20 minutes and making the foreigners think it is a commercial. But trimming a FAKE sex scene from one of the most famous scenes in movies? Preposterous that this would be cut. How are the Taiwanese even supposed to relate to their global peers when someone mentions the scene? I know Russia and the entire EU are not cutting it. The only saving grace is that the deluge of bad TV in Taiwan will soon come to an end ;)

No talking in the elevator!
Originally uploaded by beuk

Taipei has gone a lil overboard with swine flu scare. Not only do
people wear masks on a regular basis, but our daughter’s school has
instituted a whole bunch of new daily rules:
1. Sanitize hands
2. Have temperature taken
3. Change shoes
4. No trips abroad
5. If you feel ill stay home for a week
6. Store diaper in plastic bag
7. You can only use your pre-assigned POS towel and not any random
towel.
Etc…

I feel that this is out of hand. First off I am supposed to sanitize
my hands at the school, the office, the mall, and my language class.
Why? This cannot be healthy. In 2 years our daughter has been sick
twice instead of the average 10 times a year for her age WITHOUT doing
this! Second there have been 6 swine flu deaths in ALL of Taiwan!
Yet they closed 15 schools in TAIPEI alone and now are rumoring that
students will have to learn via radio at home. What? People die of
the flu. It is a fact of life and yes it is sad. Just because you give
it a name or number does not make it any worse than it was before.

I knew all this was crazy, but the final straw is this sign saying we
cannot talk in the lift. What? Who the heck are you to tell me I
cannot talk and what is the point of the mask if I cant talk with it on?
How about no breathing? That would solve the flu problem. Furthermore
no one calls it a lift. Taiwan don’t pretend you do or I will run you
over with my pram and stick you in my bum bag.

I am going to the US with my daughter soon for two weeks. I will make
darn sure our first stop is rolling with the pigs on the nearest farm
and then coming back to give teacher a big hug.

One of the strangest things I am doing now is taking Japanese classes. Not because that in itself is strange, but because my teacher does not speak much English. This means I mostly use Chinese to communicate and ask questions (no-no #1 in learning an Asian language). It actually works out pretty well.

I routinely find strange phrases that make me wish I could just run off and get a Ph.D. in linguistics. (By the way, after reading this you will see why I am crap at languages. My wife can hear a phrase and repeat it like the world’s best Mynah. Me, I need to build all kinds of crazy mnemonics too have a clue. That said, once I know it, I know it.) I am starting to have a lot of crossovers and routinely find myself searching for English words on conference calls with the States due to the rewiring in my brain.

Here are some interesting observations and examples:
Tate Mono (pronounced: Taa Teah Mo No) means house or building. I find this one of the easiest words for me to remember because I love the Tate MOderN in London (pronounced T-eight). It is easy to remember Tate Mono as a building. A NICE building :)
Biiru, Kohii, Noto, Tepurekoda (Beer, Coffee, Notebook, Tape recorder) all sound very close to the English word, but drink to much Biiru…
Otearai (pronounced: Oh Teah Ah Ra EE) meaning toilet and you may have a hard time finding this if you can’t say it! The Brits got this one right with “Loo.” Side Note in China “Lu” means street, which often doubles as the toilet.
~ no ~ no ~ no when describing possessiveness (as in My wife or My book) you use “no.” The problem is there is no limit so you can get sentences that to an outsider sound like “No, No, No!” Interestingly enough the word for “No” in Japanese is “Iie” or what Mr. Miyagi says a lot (seriously go back and watch).
Leggo Eggo I swear this had a meaning, but I forgot to write it down I was laughing so hard.
Shite this actually means “give” as in “Mama cyu shite” (Mama give me a kiss) or “Mama ryori shitte” (Mama give me your cooking). Not to be confused with “Mama your cooking is shite”.

Now all that said, Chinese also has its funny phrases. We were at the flower market last weekend and B wanted to know if the flowers were suitable (he shi) for direct sun, so I told the lady:

“Zai Tai Tai de yang tai, tai yang tai da” or “On wifey’s porch the sun is quite strong”

The lady answered “no problem” in the blink of an eye. It didn’t phase me until we walked away how strange that (mostly) correct sentence was AND that someone else could even understand it! Gotta love Chinese.

We have been here too long. These things are just not that weird to us anymore:

Taiwan.
The other day I saw a family of 5 on a scooter. B was shocked. I was like, “What’s the big deal.” In the U.S. you would never see that (not because of laws, because an American family of 5 would be too fat to fit). We routinely see 4 people on a scooter so it is not that much of a stretch for 5. From a business side of view I wondered why they don’t make “stretch” scooters? You know for when you have to take Grandma too? Like a stretch limo or stretch Humvee, just for scooters? If you use this idea I want royalties.

Japan.
Check out this story from the NYTimes about 2D love. Here is a snippet:

“a 2-D depiction of a character, Nemu, from an X-rated version of a PC video game called Da Capo, printed on synthetic fabric.” (You gotta love the English language…)

Having visited Japan I can tell you this is one of the least weird things that happens there. Now 4 year old kids taking the subway home alone, THAT’S WEIRD! I have a friend who once told me that she believes the planet will take care of over crowding by itself. She seems to think that there will be some mass accident that will wipe out half the population and then she can actually get a reservation at a ski resort without reserving before June. Wired Magazine believes a cataclysmic event will happen on December 21, 2012. It might even be an asteroid like the PACIFIC OCEAN SIZED HOLE in Jupiter. Like most things “I” believe it will be people like I-Love-My-Pillow-Too-Much-San that voluntarily drop out of the gene pool and thus we have less reproduction (HINT: stop storing inventory now).

I got this email from Johnnie Walker the today:

There are a few things that struck me as odd:
1. Mr. Johnnie Walker why are you emailing me? I am sure I opted in to some list somewhere, sometime, but we are not regular pals and you don’t write. I am not sure Mr. Glen Fiddich would be happy to hear I am talking to you.

2. “The proposal calls for a staggering increase in federal taxes on alcohol beverages of up to 229 percent!” – Uhmm, Don’t Senators drink too? I don’t think they would stand for a 229% increase. Maybe you meant 29%?

3. “hits the hard-working middle class by raising prices” – ok, but since you are emailing me about “lifestyle taxes” I must not be one of those hardworking middle class, right? I mean middle class don’t drink JW do they? It is a lifestyle drink, thus the choice of the well to do. Wait, I am confused… Did you just call me middle class?

4. “An estimated 160,000 people in the hospitality industry will lose their jobs” – I didn’t know that there were 160,000 people only serving alcohol? So, if I can’t afford JW or other “luxury” drinks then I will drink nothing? Thus no need for the hospitality folks? Won’t I still want at least a glass of water and then I’ll need someone to bring it to my middle-class dinning table for me thus actually CREATING 160,000 jobs for serving water instead of alcohol! Sweet! I am now in favor of this bill as it creates jobs.

5. “What’s next — a tax on my cheeseburger and fries?” – I could have sworn we already pay taxes at Burger King? The Whopper is never truly $0.99.

It is raining again in Taiwan.

So? Its an island. It rains all the time, but today this means G comes home with wet hair. I don’t care, I love it when she runs down the hall and gives me a big wet hug. While we were discussing the days events (baking bread, singing songs, brushing teeth…) the Nanny practically ripped her out of my arms to dry her hair. “She will get sick!*” No, I said you do not get sick from wet hair. (You have no idea I am tired of hearing this theory!) The Nanny persisted and I help onto G more now to spite the Nanny than anything. Then when “I” was ready, I let G go to get her hair dried. The war began!

I proceeded to SPAM the mess out of the Nanny (as she does to me) with links stating over and over how wet hair has no correlation with getting sick! I even asked her, “What happens when you jump in the pool?” No? That is different?… Oh… I (sic) see. (rolling of eyes)

Her email back to me (you knew she would email me back, right?) was the following:

“If there is a chance,after swimming or wet by the rain,try to make the ginger boiled by water and add some brown sugar(powder, not crystal-will show you another day),will keep you out of the cold,keep healthy-some disease won’t show up untill you’re weak-never judge a book by it’s appearence.”

What? RULE #387 for Crazy Nannies – DO NOT feed my child any of your voodoo syrup drinks without my explicit permission and supervision! I understand that Asians think ginger is the cure for everything, but please be reasonable. Everyone liked Mary Ann better anyway.

Next she sent me a link to Gary Wu’s Blog.
That was a mistake.

The referenced article states:

“When a person wakes up in the morning, he is feeling refreshed and full of energy. As the day progresses, the person loses the energy, or chi, and he becomes tired as the day approaches night time.”

Uhmm, I don’t. I am quite tired in the morning. This is why God invented “Sunrise Breakfast” and Starbucks. This is also why it is important to eat as it gets your metabolism moving. Ask the U.S. if I am full of energy on 5am conference calls. The point is we are humans, we have to sleep. If you sleep you feel better, but don’t give me this “feel refreshed routine.”

Next Gary hits another sore spot I have:

“The more Xie that the body has, the more capacity that the body has to carry Chi.”

Ok, if you say so…but one minor point: this is obviously a Taiwan author as the Chinese word for blood is Xue not Xie as in:
血 xuè – blood
吸血鬼 xī xuè guǐ – vampire; bloodsucker
Taiwanese change the word (as they do with a lot of Chinese words) to be Xie3, but it is the same character.

“Human body generates Xie through quality sleeping.”

What? I generate blood through sleeping? So, explain why I did not die from lack of blood on my trip to Italy when I did not sleep? I also guess the first hit on Google for “Where does blood come from” is wrong. See ya liver…All I need is sleep! Why yes, I would like another drink, It is not like that liver of mine is going to help me generate blood. Just a quick cat nap here on my desk will do me just fine! Bone marrow transplant? Why sure I can! This is ridiculous to suggest that blood comes back from sleeping. I know he is trying to dumb it down for the masses and sleep probably allows the liver to generate plasma, but come on. We don’t have to operate at the lowest common denominator all the time. It is called the LOWEST common denominator for a reason.

The sidebar states:

“Many people achieved a healthier lifestyle through following the methods described in the book and the book gained fast popularity through recommendations amongst readers.”

Really? With advice like “sleep when you are tired” how could he go wrong?
My comment to Gary:

“You know I tried following the advice of sleep when I was tired. Then the bills did not get paid, my boss got angry and I lost my job for sleeping at work. Now I am homeless and you know what “I get to sleep when I am tired!” Thank you for helping me have a healthier lifestyle. Where would I be without you?”

(sigh) So, I went on a lil rant here. It drives me crazy to be surrounded by all these crackpots with their crackpot theories and their crackpot protagonists. We certainly have heard some doozies:

• “Don’t feed the dog ice cream, he will howl from the cold.”
• “Carrots must remain in their own dirt IN THE REFRIGERATOR to stay fresher longer.”
• “If the panties are wet, put a diaper over them.”

My biggest complaint about this email that the Nanny sent is…

WHAT THE HECK DOES IT HAVE TO DO WITH OUR WET HAIR ARGUMENT??

* – We have also heard another story about how if you go to sleep with wet hair you will get sick. Not right away, maybe like 20-30 years later!!! That flu you are having now? Blame Mom for putting you to bed with wet hair.

“Available 24 hours a day, 7 days a week” – GREAT! Let me call…

Dialing….
Ahh, it is ringing…

“Our support center hours are 8am to 3pm EST 7 days a week. Please call back during those hours”

WHAT THE HELL! You know, no one goes to visit Equifax when they are having a good day. They don’t say, “Wow, all is right with the world, I should check my credit report.” No they go when they either a) have a problem or b) really need to verify something.

Here is a tip, if you can’t figure out the difference between 24 hours and 8-3 (8-3?? Don’t work too hard there, hate for you to put in a full 8 hours) what kind of service am I going to get from your product(s)???